I want to see the ripple

Sometimes I get a little caught in myself.

Honestly, my path in life is a little bit cloudy to me at this moment. Its the watched pot I keep staring at with a stalker's intensity and so of course the sucker isn't boiling yet. So I wait. And while waiting I hold on to what I do believe which are some pretty simple premises.

• If you can do something to make someone's life easier do it. Especially if it doesn't hurt you.
• Examples: 
• Smile at a stranger
• Pick up a paper towel on a public bathroom floor. Seriously. They're almost always clean as they are physical evidence of someone washing their hands. And if you're that afraid of the germs you can use another paper towel to pick it up once you've washed yours. A custodian isn't a maid. They get long days too. 
• Send your friend a letter, its kind of fun and who doesn't like getting mail? Real mail is fantastic. Its like manna from Heaven in the midst of a dozen credit card offers.
• Don't purposely make someone's life harder
• This one shouldn't need examples. Don't be a douche. And if you hold grudges like I do...it doesn't matter, that has nothing to do with it. If they're good people they probably already feel bad for whatever hurt you. If they suck, nothing you do is going to fix how much they suck.
• Try to do things that make yourself happy. 
•  Do what you have to do of course, dishes and whatnot, but spend your extra time on something important to you. Here's what I've got so far:
• Fabric Art
• Books. Many many books. Do you realize how amazing the library really is?
• Online games with my loved ones, kind of fun how you can connect through wizardry. 
• Finding my courage for adventure one outing at a time.
• Looking for more things that make me happy
•  God put you here to learn, and to be happy. Do him proud and work on those. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, you're good to go.
• Find the beauty in things.

                    Pick anything. This is especially important when its something that you wouldn't like normally. Try
                    to understand a different view. That sounds hokey but its what I do especially when I meet a person
                    who is so vile you can't understand how they have gotten through life this long. "You are horribly
                    evil, but what a nice manicure."

                   Understandably its kind of hard for encounters with certain people/circumstances/whatnot but think
                   of the process as re-training your brain. It expands your horizons. Or just know it makes you into a 
                   total detective which may someday have its merits elsewhere in getting you props. Maybe someday
                   there will be a party game you totally win because of this observation thing.

                   Plus side it also encourages you to keep your mouth shut long enough to look for something and
                   someday might save you from being terribly stupid.

• Acknowledge beauty. Especially to others. 

                    This is an extension of the last one.

                    Life is kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. I don't think its intentional but you know those days
                    when God and the entire universe are on a mission to teach you patience, and so sends you every
                    horribly inconsiderate person that ever existed in one day?

                    Those days happen and they suck.

                    Amazingly enough they happen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON. Every last one. Even babies have     
                    those days when pacifiers taste like floor.

                    So when you see someone do something good, kind, considerate, showing their talent, looking nice,
                    tell them so. Maybe just thank them for being in a good mood. I don't know about you but I
                    remember those things and hold onto them as desperately as life preserver until things start getting
                    better again.

                    Oh and remind people that you love them (only those you do of course). It doesn't have to be
                    words, but people like reminders.

• Laugh. Often. And Sing. 
• It makes you happy. It makes God happy because you're happy. Win-Win. 
• Make your word mean something.
• If you say you're going to do something, do it. Otherwise don't agree to it. Really now, most people would rather know right away instead of waiting and then you flake out.
• When you say something, choose your words carefully. Don't scatter them about so they lose their meaning, or wind up being misconstrued.
• This last one I'm honestly still working on. Geez its tough work.

 Now back to the original thought, I get stuck on myself.

I want to see the good I've done and how it affects others. I want to mean something. Be something. How self centered is that? I don't do anything with the intention of the action earning me points but on the other hand am so desperately seeking my path I want to see that at least I've mattered in this life somewhere.

Have you heard of the ripple effect? A butterfly flaps its wings and somewhere a tree falls down or someone gets a new car or something? You do something and it affects a dozen other people because of it? I love that idea. We matter to each other regardless of it being recognized. You matter to me. I don't know why, but thank you. Its a really fantastic idea.

So to remind myself to get over it, I'm watching The Five People You Meet In Heaven (based off a book btw). If any movie can pull at your heart, this definitely does. Its all about a man who doesn't know how incredible his life has been until after he dies. All the little things he's done to do the right thing, to be respectful to his parents/brother/co-workers, to be good to his wife, the little things he did to make kids smile at the amusement park where he worked, they led to some pretty incredible results. But even after he sees the results, he doesn't think they were necessarily anything special, but he mattered to a lot of people. Many of the little things were really huge things. His life without meaning had purpose every time.

How beautiful that is!

Time to be fearless

So today I had a somewhat schizophrenic conversation in my head.

Centered around whether to go to a polo match for my dear Krystine's birthday celebration extension.

Reasons not to go:

• Lots of people I don't know
• Tumultuous relationship with the one friend I actually do know (and one Im not certain that the person in question is aware of that adjective in connection with it anyhow)
• New place...eek scary
• No money. Well, very little money. Most of it got spent on my dear friend's wedding last week. And ideally I'm supposed to eat before payday. 

Reasons to go:

• Krystine - sweetest person ever! She could make a hurricane look like a pleasant day to be had. And there'd probably be board games too.
• Fun!
• A new adventure
• Chance to make new friends
• Polo - chance to stand around looking pretty, and kick stuff into the ground, how cool does that sound?

Final decision?

Fear won out. By the time I decided to go money or not it was already too late to make it to Phoenix in time.  How sad is that?

The good news is I think this is the final straw to put my tushie in gear and stop letting fear win out so often. How much have I been missing out on? Lets see if I can let my freedom flag fly more often.

Being stubborn today

Really stubborn. Its like I can't turn it off at this point.

Got invited to paintball. REALLY want to go. Not going. Why? Because I'm pissed at one man and feel like the other one hates me. Realistically its also because I don't like being worth less than any other person and a soccer ball. Separately. I'm literally worth less than than a soccer ball. Got invited to paintball part II. Still not going. Same reasons. Taking the moral high ground of not stealing friends and also concurrently pouting I also managed to un-invite myself from most other activities.

I'm tired of the following:

• problems
• interruptions
• people not valuing me. maybe its because I don't value myself enough? Realistically I'm pretty damn awesome but never think I deserve better. I'm usually surprised when someone treats me reasonably well. 
• bills
• AHT. grrr.
• the knot that lives on my right shoulder
• an unclear path. yeah i know the point is the journey but really, wtf. itd be nice to have at least an indication. an arrow. perhaps a bread crumb trail? preferably a neon blinking sign. 

I want:

• progress
• to stop being terrified of dancing
• to shoot someone with a mother f'n paintball gun. 
• a really cute man who kisses so well i get tingly toes. and treats me like a princess because he likes me. Then eventually because he loves me.
• career progress and clarification. right now its a hazy mist that's irritating the crap out of me.
• better health which is already being worked on with healthier eating, weening of bad stuff and more regular exercise ick. eventually maybe i'll even like the exercise.
• regular craft time
• semi-regular video game time. but not excessive.

As much

As much as I love helping others....sometimes I just really want someone to take care of me. It just doesn't happen. sigh.

"Why can't you be who we want you to be?"

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever seen the movie Martian Child? Its this movie starring John Cusack as a widower, David, and this adorable child Bobby Coleman as an orphan, Dennis who thinks he's from Mars. At the beginning of the movie in a perfect round of serendipity, David's world leads him to this little boy. A science fiction writer (think equivalent of Frank Herbert of Dune/George Lucas via Star Wars 4-6, not 1-3 because those were just CGI gone wild for the most part) who adopts a boy from Mars.

Dennis wears a weight belt because he thinks gravity will make him float away, and looks like a tiny little albino because of the amount of sunscreen he wears to protect himself from the sun. He also hangs upside down a lot in order to get the blood flow back to his head because he thinks gravity interferes. Seriously, for a six year old he thinks a lot about the universe. Throughout the movie, its an uphill battle to c

onvince the adoption folks that they should stay together, because they think that all of Dennis' quirks show considerable issues that perhaps David just can't handle.

There's a beautiful moment...when David is supposed to be presenting his new sci fi manuscript instead bringing in something about his new son. His publisher is livid. "Why can't you be who we want you to be?"And you see the realization in his eyes. He's been convincing his son to be exactly who everyone else thinks he should be, instead of reveling in the amazing young being he is. Alien, human this kid is amazing just the way he is. All he wants is to be loved for who he is.

In this world I think we spend a lot of time trying to shape ourselves into the mold others create for us. And some of us try to create the mold for others. Its a hazard of living. We want so hard to fit in and be understood that we can wind up losing ourselves to the battle. What if we spent more time celebrating the unique differences?

Hot as a biscuit

Do you ever think about the words that you say during a day?

The small things, the big things. The I love yous and business appropriate terms that fall out all the term, even the less than stellar moments when you might as well walk around with a gigantic arrow that says "insert foot here."

I like words. Which is good because well, I am the type of girl who uses them a lot. I talk. A lot. It happens. I've come to think of it as part of my charm. Because really the only alternative is that its my biggest fault but its preferable to think of it as an "opportunity" for growth.

Words are important. Lately I've come to realize how much. In the past few months there's been quite a bit of upheaval where I've learned the necessity behind listening to what others say and learning to gauge my speech so that the meaning comes out appropriately rather than sporadically. It's a work in progress.

In this world, often we don't tend to realize the importance of what we say. The words are flippant. Promises are sometimes kept, we tell portions of things but leave out others. The older I get the more I pay attention. It bothers me. Our words are part of who we are. It seems a travesty to be anything less than who you are, because you are so absolutely amazing.

I'm currently in the process of re-evaluation of my life. July is going to be my month for looking around. For breathing. For gaining a greater perspective. For searching out new paths.

Doing it all

Do you know the funny thing about trying to do it all? Its impossible.

We make choices. Things get lost or found by the wayside. You spend a little more time at work, you lose time with the one you love; spend a little less time at work, miss out on that promotion you really deserve.

Its really easy to try to do everything. I don't know about anyone else, but me...I want to be everything. The best friend, daughter, sister, worker, volunteer, what have you. Whatever you can think of, I want to accomplish it. If I kept to the plan I'd wind up president of everything and loving confidant to the world. But gee its tiring. And it doesn't work out.

The last say 3 months, I've spent the majority of time working to keep an apartment I never see. 2 years at canyon ranch building a career that was gone in the space of 20 minutes at the expense of my personal life. 5 years in college for a degree that I love but don't actually use. The experiences are useful. They teach. They exemplify exactly why balance is necessary. It gives us peace. A chance to find the beauty of a life to enjoy.

I see people around me who go through their own journeys and its amazing how similar we all are in a place trying to find direction. We look to each other, to things, places, ideas. You lose sight of what is really important in the chase of the magical carrot on the stick. If I get through this...then everything will fall into place. I'm definitely one of these people. I'm learning. How to let go. When to be ok with just being myself. How to create my life.

There's this quote I love...
It gives me this feeling that we are going through something that is meant to be felt, shared, experienced. Not a battle meant to be overcome. I refuse to believe the whole purpose behind God putting us here was some sort of highly comical torture device.

This is what I think life is supposed to be:

An exploration. An opportunity to chase wonders and excitement, to find ourselves and the ones who will bring our world to another height. A balancing act between accomplishment of the workplace and creating a life for ourselves. A place where we have a brilliant opportunity to create a world that we love. Life is supposed to be a beautiful journey.