Being stubborn today

Really stubborn. Its like I can't turn it off at this point.

Got invited to paintball. REALLY want to go. Not going. Why? Because I'm pissed at one man and feel like the other one hates me. Realistically its also because I don't like being worth less than any other person and a soccer ball. Separately. I'm literally worth less than than a soccer ball. Got invited to paintball part II. Still not going. Same reasons. Taking the moral high ground of not stealing friends and also concurrently pouting I also managed to un-invite myself from most other activities.

I'm tired of the following:

• problems
• interruptions
• people not valuing me. maybe its because I don't value myself enough? Realistically I'm pretty damn awesome but never think I deserve better. I'm usually surprised when someone treats me reasonably well. 
• bills
• AHT. grrr.
• the knot that lives on my right shoulder
• an unclear path. yeah i know the point is the journey but really, wtf. itd be nice to have at least an indication. an arrow. perhaps a bread crumb trail? preferably a neon blinking sign. 

I want:

• progress
• to stop being terrified of dancing
• to shoot someone with a mother f'n paintball gun. 
• a really cute man who kisses so well i get tingly toes. and treats me like a princess because he likes me. Then eventually because he loves me.
• career progress and clarification. right now its a hazy mist that's irritating the crap out of me.
• better health which is already being worked on with healthier eating, weening of bad stuff and more regular exercise ick. eventually maybe i'll even like the exercise.
• regular craft time
• semi-regular video game time. but not excessive.

As much

As much as I love helping others....sometimes I just really want someone to take care of me. It just doesn't happen. sigh.

"Why can't you be who we want you to be?"

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have you ever seen the movie Martian Child? Its this movie starring John Cusack as a widower, David, and this adorable child Bobby Coleman as an orphan, Dennis who thinks he's from Mars. At the beginning of the movie in a perfect round of serendipity, David's world leads him to this little boy. A science fiction writer (think equivalent of Frank Herbert of Dune/George Lucas via Star Wars 4-6, not 1-3 because those were just CGI gone wild for the most part) who adopts a boy from Mars.

Dennis wears a weight belt because he thinks gravity will make him float away, and looks like a tiny little albino because of the amount of sunscreen he wears to protect himself from the sun. He also hangs upside down a lot in order to get the blood flow back to his head because he thinks gravity interferes. Seriously, for a six year old he thinks a lot about the universe. Throughout the movie, its an uphill battle to c

onvince the adoption folks that they should stay together, because they think that all of Dennis' quirks show considerable issues that perhaps David just can't handle.

There's a beautiful moment...when David is supposed to be presenting his new sci fi manuscript instead bringing in something about his new son. His publisher is livid. "Why can't you be who we want you to be?"And you see the realization in his eyes. He's been convincing his son to be exactly who everyone else thinks he should be, instead of reveling in the amazing young being he is. Alien, human this kid is amazing just the way he is. All he wants is to be loved for who he is.

In this world I think we spend a lot of time trying to shape ourselves into the mold others create for us. And some of us try to create the mold for others. Its a hazard of living. We want so hard to fit in and be understood that we can wind up losing ourselves to the battle. What if we spent more time celebrating the unique differences?

Hot as a biscuit

Do you ever think about the words that you say during a day?

The small things, the big things. The I love yous and business appropriate terms that fall out all the term, even the less than stellar moments when you might as well walk around with a gigantic arrow that says "insert foot here."

I like words. Which is good because well, I am the type of girl who uses them a lot. I talk. A lot. It happens. I've come to think of it as part of my charm. Because really the only alternative is that its my biggest fault but its preferable to think of it as an "opportunity" for growth.

Words are important. Lately I've come to realize how much. In the past few months there's been quite a bit of upheaval where I've learned the necessity behind listening to what others say and learning to gauge my speech so that the meaning comes out appropriately rather than sporadically. It's a work in progress.

In this world, often we don't tend to realize the importance of what we say. The words are flippant. Promises are sometimes kept, we tell portions of things but leave out others. The older I get the more I pay attention. It bothers me. Our words are part of who we are. It seems a travesty to be anything less than who you are, because you are so absolutely amazing.

I'm currently in the process of re-evaluation of my life. July is going to be my month for looking around. For breathing. For gaining a greater perspective. For searching out new paths.