Coming to terms

Hello. My name is Deanna and I am a reformed sugar-holic (also junk food but sugar was my kryptonite).

Don't get me wrong, for the majority of my life I have eaten pretty decently, my mother especially being into healthy eating, (she tried so many new things my brother and I lovingly refer to ourselves as mommy's favorite guinea pigs).

But somehow about a year and a half ago I found myself at 5'0" and 165 pounds. And while I'm adorable no matter what size that was not at all comfortable. It felt like constantly being under a heavy net, weighed down both figuratively and literally. For some reason my chest absorbed most of the weight so finding clothes became the bottom half being one size and the top being three sizes bigger, and really you might as well forget about zippers and buttons, those just pop open.

I've always had some health issues, the biggest of which being fibromyalgia which for me manifested primarily in headaches and overall pain as well as fatigue. Also chronic sinusitus, killer painful periods, and often yeast imbalance which I didn't realize until I found this great naturopath June Stephens who wound up starting my reform by putting me on a yeast free diet (but more about that later).

You would think that for someone who was used to being sick (I've pretty much had issues with all of the previously mentioned mishagosh my entire life) that I'd take better care with myself, but no.

At my worst I could for example down 4 thirstbusters (my favorite was pepsi!) in a day. Candy bars and burgers were my friends when I was out because honestly, always working left me just exhausted and not wanting to cook. When I was at home or around family healthy eating was easy because I didn't always have to make everything so about half my life was healthy the other just about the worst McDonalds commercial meets Snickers commercial that you could ever find.

It was easy to justify my food and beverage choices because of the following:

• oh so tired
• too close to my next appointment
• no time to cook
• I'd rather do something else with what little time I have
• Cheaper to buy fast food than organic, etc.  
• I "mostly" eat healthy

There were more than that, but those were the most frequent.

Its easy to justify anything given enough motivation but have you ever noticed it's harder to be lazy than to just do what you need to do to begin with? The need to be lazy takes work to figure out. Work to see how to get around it. Wiggle room. What would take 5 minutes to finish winds up taking an hour or two to get around. And usually it causes problems.

So my need to be lazy about my health definitely caused more problems. As of a year ago my health was at the worst its ever been and now I'm on the journey back to me. Currently I'm down to 120 (woohoo! lost 45 lbs), my fibromylagia rarely if ever causes me any more problems, barely any headaches anymore, the sugar fog has lifted and so many other things have progressed positively. I think this blog is going to be part of my therapy and hopefully me sharing can help other people. If nothing else we aren't alone :)

Its a choice to be happy

I am making the decision to be happy.

This year started out with a couple of huge bombs in my life. I utilized whimpering, whining, anger, anxiety, depression, pick a sad word and there it was.

It has been a lot to handle.

I'm a naturally happy soul. Like a boomerang that always comes back to where it starts. But being that way is equally hard and easy.

Every circumstance that gets thrown my way and feels like a wrecking ball to the gut takes some rebounding.

Here's my process:

• Get hit. Ouch.
• Let it out. For me that could involve screaming, crying, punching a pillow, going for a really long drive with no destination in mind. 
• Optional: Take a day or two to avoid it. No more than that. This won't make it go away but sometimes I just need to catch my bearings.
• Decide how much of this is controllable. 

• Start planning on my life's "route adjustment." What now? What happens next? What can I do and what do I need to remind myself (usually incessantly) to let go and let God?
• Keep moving. And pray. Keep praying.

The keep moving part is the most important. You walk hand and hand with God. Keep moving your feet. Sometimes he carries you. Keep moving so desperately and courageously until you leave the middle of the storm because if you don't then you'll never see what light is coming your way.

Most of the things that effect us the most, we have the least control over. 

• Health....in the hands of God.
• Life and death....in the hands of God.
• The actions of others....in their hands.
• Bad drivers....up to ineptitude of drivers and God willing their ability to change.
• Natural disasters....God again.
• Bills....it'd be nice not to have bills or things break. Half God, half budgeting for things you don't know about.
• Work....do your best. Its only partially up to you and partially up to the goodwill of your bosses. And you can't control your boss.

Its a choice. To let life break you, or teach you to fly. Its a chance to re-evaluate your priorities and find a path that is worth spending your time on.

I'm choosing to be happy right now.

Open to references or Surviving vs Thriving

In my life I have been blessed.

Honestly, some seriously trying times have occurred but nothing I wasn't strong enough to handle with a bit, and sometimes a ton of help. Those times have frustrated and strengthened me. Quite often they've tested my limits to extremes but really, every life on the planet has had those. I can look into your eyes and hiding behind them is your set of hurdles. I dwell on mine every so often and then keep moving.

Progression has occurred.

This day is light years farther than ten years ago and again, what a blessing. It is time to set another fire me thinks. Metaphorically anyway. Realistic fires I tend to burn myself on especially during baking. That love that goes into cookies as the special ingredient? Every so often might also involve some hidden curse words.

You know what I got asked this week?

"Deanna, do you think you're average?" My answer? "I've never been average."

I haven't. Never will be.

I think I forgot that.

I'm kind of amazing. Not perfect. But I'm passionate. I steer towards honesty, persistence, kindness and love. I'm the gal you come to for answers, support, projects, creativity. I collect knowledge like a kid would collect coins for their piggy bank storing it up for a rainy day or a really great opportunity or just something really fun. I have great common sense. I'm a bit nerdy and a lot fabulous. I sparkle!

You know one of the saddest things I hear on a day to day basis? "You don't get a job and expect to be happy." Why not? Do you really think God put you on this earth to suffer? My parents raised my brother and myself to do something that makes you happy because you're going to spend an awful lot of time doing it. I've met people who are ecstatic to be homemakers, retail clerks, real estate developers, beer makers, even insurance agents. They don't settle for it. It speaks to them. Yes, you need to do what you must but why do you have to stay there? Let someone else find their happiness doing that something while you go find your own. I want to find my happiness.

I've been happy at jobs. I've gone into work 5 days a week when only one was required just because it was fun. I've felt my heart sing. And to be an adult doesn't mean giving that up. I think it kind of makes it that much more important. When you're an adult you're given the greater opportunity to put your heart in motion.

I want to be in love with my life. I will be. Right now this is a great crush waiting to turn into an epic love affair.

I want to see the ripple

Sometimes I get a little caught in myself.

Honestly, my path in life is a little bit cloudy to me at this moment. Its the watched pot I keep staring at with a stalker's intensity and so of course the sucker isn't boiling yet. So I wait. And while waiting I hold on to what I do believe which are some pretty simple premises.

• If you can do something to make someone's life easier do it. Especially if it doesn't hurt you.
• Examples: 
• Smile at a stranger
• Pick up a paper towel on a public bathroom floor. Seriously. They're almost always clean as they are physical evidence of someone washing their hands. And if you're that afraid of the germs you can use another paper towel to pick it up once you've washed yours. A custodian isn't a maid. They get long days too. 
• Send your friend a letter, its kind of fun and who doesn't like getting mail? Real mail is fantastic. Its like manna from Heaven in the midst of a dozen credit card offers.
• Don't purposely make someone's life harder
• This one shouldn't need examples. Don't be a douche. And if you hold grudges like I do...it doesn't matter, that has nothing to do with it. If they're good people they probably already feel bad for whatever hurt you. If they suck, nothing you do is going to fix how much they suck.
• Try to do things that make yourself happy. 
•  Do what you have to do of course, dishes and whatnot, but spend your extra time on something important to you. Here's what I've got so far:
• Fabric Art
• Books. Many many books. Do you realize how amazing the library really is?
• Online games with my loved ones, kind of fun how you can connect through wizardry. 
• Finding my courage for adventure one outing at a time.
• Looking for more things that make me happy
•  God put you here to learn, and to be happy. Do him proud and work on those. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone, you're good to go.
• Find the beauty in things.

                    Pick anything. This is especially important when its something that you wouldn't like normally. Try
                    to understand a different view. That sounds hokey but its what I do especially when I meet a person
                    who is so vile you can't understand how they have gotten through life this long. "You are horribly
                    evil, but what a nice manicure."

                   Understandably its kind of hard for encounters with certain people/circumstances/whatnot but think
                   of the process as re-training your brain. It expands your horizons. Or just know it makes you into a 
                   total detective which may someday have its merits elsewhere in getting you props. Maybe someday
                   there will be a party game you totally win because of this observation thing.

                   Plus side it also encourages you to keep your mouth shut long enough to look for something and
                   someday might save you from being terribly stupid.

• Acknowledge beauty. Especially to others. 

                    This is an extension of the last one.

                    Life is kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. I don't think its intentional but you know those days
                    when God and the entire universe are on a mission to teach you patience, and so sends you every
                    horribly inconsiderate person that ever existed in one day?

                    Those days happen and they suck.

                    Amazingly enough they happen to EVERY SINGLE PERSON. Every last one. Even babies have     
                    those days when pacifiers taste like floor.

                    So when you see someone do something good, kind, considerate, showing their talent, looking nice,
                    tell them so. Maybe just thank them for being in a good mood. I don't know about you but I
                    remember those things and hold onto them as desperately as life preserver until things start getting
                    better again.

                    Oh and remind people that you love them (only those you do of course). It doesn't have to be
                    words, but people like reminders.

• Laugh. Often. And Sing. 
• It makes you happy. It makes God happy because you're happy. Win-Win. 
• Make your word mean something.
• If you say you're going to do something, do it. Otherwise don't agree to it. Really now, most people would rather know right away instead of waiting and then you flake out.
• When you say something, choose your words carefully. Don't scatter them about so they lose their meaning, or wind up being misconstrued.
• This last one I'm honestly still working on. Geez its tough work.

 Now back to the original thought, I get stuck on myself.

I want to see the good I've done and how it affects others. I want to mean something. Be something. How self centered is that? I don't do anything with the intention of the action earning me points but on the other hand am so desperately seeking my path I want to see that at least I've mattered in this life somewhere.

Have you heard of the ripple effect? A butterfly flaps its wings and somewhere a tree falls down or someone gets a new car or something? You do something and it affects a dozen other people because of it? I love that idea. We matter to each other regardless of it being recognized. You matter to me. I don't know why, but thank you. Its a really fantastic idea.

So to remind myself to get over it, I'm watching The Five People You Meet In Heaven (based off a book btw). If any movie can pull at your heart, this definitely does. Its all about a man who doesn't know how incredible his life has been until after he dies. All the little things he's done to do the right thing, to be respectful to his parents/brother/co-workers, to be good to his wife, the little things he did to make kids smile at the amusement park where he worked, they led to some pretty incredible results. But even after he sees the results, he doesn't think they were necessarily anything special, but he mattered to a lot of people. Many of the little things were really huge things. His life without meaning had purpose every time.

How beautiful that is!

Time to be fearless

So today I had a somewhat schizophrenic conversation in my head.

Centered around whether to go to a polo match for my dear Krystine's birthday celebration extension.

Reasons not to go:

• Lots of people I don't know
• Tumultuous relationship with the one friend I actually do know (and one Im not certain that the person in question is aware of that adjective in connection with it anyhow)
• New place...eek scary
• No money. Well, very little money. Most of it got spent on my dear friend's wedding last week. And ideally I'm supposed to eat before payday. 

Reasons to go:

• Krystine - sweetest person ever! She could make a hurricane look like a pleasant day to be had. And there'd probably be board games too.
• Fun!
• A new adventure
• Chance to make new friends
• Polo - chance to stand around looking pretty, and kick stuff into the ground, how cool does that sound?

Final decision?

Fear won out. By the time I decided to go money or not it was already too late to make it to Phoenix in time.  How sad is that?

The good news is I think this is the final straw to put my tushie in gear and stop letting fear win out so often. How much have I been missing out on? Lets see if I can let my freedom flag fly more often.

Being stubborn today

Really stubborn. Its like I can't turn it off at this point.

Got invited to paintball. REALLY want to go. Not going. Why? Because I'm pissed at one man and feel like the other one hates me. Realistically its also because I don't like being worth less than any other person and a soccer ball. Separately. I'm literally worth less than than a soccer ball. Got invited to paintball part II. Still not going. Same reasons. Taking the moral high ground of not stealing friends and also concurrently pouting I also managed to un-invite myself from most other activities.

I'm tired of the following:

• problems
• interruptions
• people not valuing me. maybe its because I don't value myself enough? Realistically I'm pretty damn awesome but never think I deserve better. I'm usually surprised when someone treats me reasonably well. 
• bills
• AHT. grrr.
• the knot that lives on my right shoulder
• an unclear path. yeah i know the point is the journey but really, wtf. itd be nice to have at least an indication. an arrow. perhaps a bread crumb trail? preferably a neon blinking sign. 

I want:

• progress
• to stop being terrified of dancing
• to shoot someone with a mother f'n paintball gun. 
• a really cute man who kisses so well i get tingly toes. and treats me like a princess because he likes me. Then eventually because he loves me.
• career progress and clarification. right now its a hazy mist that's irritating the crap out of me.
• better health which is already being worked on with healthier eating, weening of bad stuff and more regular exercise ick. eventually maybe i'll even like the exercise.
• regular craft time
• semi-regular video game time. but not excessive.

As much

As much as I love helping others....sometimes I just really want someone to take care of me. It just doesn't happen. sigh.